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Gals, I just have to tell you, last night was awful. I almost called one of you or all of you but I couldn't bring myself to it.
I don't even really know how to explain what happened. I felt like wave after wave of hopelessness and discouragement came over me. Everything from, "I'll never see them again," and, "We'll never be able to keep in contact online," to, "I can't possibly start the business I've been thinking about, and even if I do I'll never be able to get any clients," and, "I'll be stuck in this life forever and never get to build what I want to build," to...well, you get the idea. I felt like every insecurity that I'd felt over the last week or so paraded out and they all had a big party in the street. Yeah...it was bad. I don't know if this is true, but it felt then like there'd never been another time when I'd felt like the world and myself in it sucked quite that much.
I didn't know what to do, and it felt so scary, so I prayed, then picked up a book and turned on the television and tried to, temporarily at least, fill the space with something other than that howling wind. Not the world's best solution, but I felt like I just had to make it stop.
And the worst part was, it's all lies. I know that. I knew it then, and it didn't even seem to matter. The feelings and the fear had latched onto my heart and wouldn't let go, even when confronted with truth, and even when cried into my shower.
This is new territory for me and I'm not sure what to make of it. Is it Satan (that jackass!!)? Did our time together open up some places and things in my that I don't even know about yet, but that manifest themselves this way? Is it the fact that I messed slightly with my pills this month?
My best guess is that it was some combination of at least the first two, and maybe the third as well. I do know that our time together touched me in ways I don't know what to do with yet. My tears are so close to the surface this week, you'd think I rubbed my eyes with onion, and that's unusual for me. And when things open for me like that, Satan tends to try to climb right in, too, to poison the growth or at least make me wonder if it's worth it (though it always is).
So I guess I'm walking through the fog with y'all. What does it all mean? Where do I go from here? I don't know, but if last night is any indication (you know, in case anyone was still wondering), our time together was deeply important for me, and where I go with it today and tomorrow is, too.
28 August 2008
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14 comments:
dear sarah,
i hurt for you and with you. i have felt so much of what you describe here: the hopelessness & the ache, the enemy creeping in & assaulting us with doubts about our friendship, what really happened this last week, and whether nor not we'll be able to sustain it the way we hope to. i felt hopeless & howling and i'm telling you this not to turn the attention to myself so much as to say i think that he's taking applying similar tactics to each of us: doubt. divide. question. sorrow. hopelessness. doubt doubt doubt.
i can feel the sadness & aloneness you write of. i can feel you reaching for the bright & glimmering thing you saw of yourself and i can see satan trying to cut you off from it before you even have a chance to take the first steps.
jackass!!
[you lie, you dog ... & you'll be sah-ha-reeee ... ]
and he will be sorry. one day. but for now, we must contend with the ugly & painful reality that satan is roaming about the earth looking for whom he may devour.
and i'm sorry he's trying to devour you & your dreams, friend. i'm sorry he's trying to devour your hope & causing you to doubt that glory of God that is in you, that you reflect so brightly that i need to shield my eyes from it.
he is a jackass. i want to kick him in the head really hard & then like the popular image of the archangel michael, hold the point of a sword at his throat.
i don't know what i'm saying anymore, i feel like i'm rambling.
i love you & it hurts me to know that this is how you're feeling. i can't say truly that i know how you feel, but i will say that everything that you wrote in this post resonated with me deeply & found me nodding my head in agreement.
i love you sarah. don't let the jackass convince you that you're alone or without hope or that we'll forget you. it's not going to happen.
heavenly Father, protect my friend sarah. close the mouths of the lions and protect her from the heat of the furnace.
AMEN.
My heart hurts for you. You are not alone my sweet friend.
Damn the Jackass! Damn his lies!
Okay, so did you see the part of the Olympics where Michael Phelps talked about whenever anyone trash talked him, it was just fuel for the fire. All the negative things competitors or commentators said, he would just turn it around, use it as a challenge and motivation to do even better.
My prayer is that when Jackass starts whispering lies, each one of us will recognize it for what it is and shout back at him, Oh yeah! Watch this! and use it as the fuel we need. I once heard that if you don't meet the Jackass (though they didn't use this particular name for him) face to face each day, it's probably because you are walking the same direction he is. You only run into him going the opposite direction. I pray that God will give us the wisdom and discernment to know when the obstacles we hit in the fog are His warnings we are on the wrong path or encouragement signs that Jackass is trying to deter us.
Kirsten--I got to your second paragraph with tears in my eyes, then laughed through them somewhere around "you dog..." ;)
I'm doing better today, though the residue of last night is still with me. I'm so glad you're here, that everyone is here, that I'm not alone and that you all affirm the truth to me so well.
Tiredness is taking over my brain, but thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't really have more words than those.
Christin--Wow...those words make me want to fight. I wish I had a broadsword (I wish I could lift a broadsword...) or a bow and arrow and could go jackass hunting (is that like hunting jackalope?). Because I want to shoot the bastard down, or at least ride with the people who do.
Ok, I need sleep, or something, but the point is that your words stir me, they move me to not settle for not-falling when I could stand. I needed that.
Hey, sweet girl.
Like I told you earlier today, I read these words and couldn't stop myself from picking up the phone and hearing your voice. I was glad to hear today feels less rough than yesterday, but still. That can be totally arresting to go through, and I'm sure it's exhausted and frightened your soul in some way you may not see right now. I am praying with you against the darkness.
And, um, hello. This business you want to start? The one that will or won't get clients? That thing you want to build? Ummm . . . did I just black out on hearing us talking about this when we were together or did we totally miss an opportunity to hear from you about this?? I feel like I totally missed an opportunity to hear your heart and your passion and your ideas . . . or else I feel like I heard you but didn't hear you and it didn't sink in. Not sure which it is right now, but I want to be clear about one thing right now:
I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS.
Maybe we can hear about it on our conference call soon. What do you think?
I love you.
PS: You hunting jackalope and/or weilding a broadsword (uh, yeah, I'm so clueless, I'm not even sure what that is. For now, I'm envisioning one of those swords they used in Braveheart. Am I close?!) . . . well, I have to tell you, it made my heart leap with gladness that some of your fierceness was back.
And then I got to this part where you said you want to shoot the bastard down "or at least ride with the people who do."
Okay, so some time ago, I saw some of your wedding photos. I think it was on Katie Peckham's website? Anyway, I remember thinking how much you looked like Galadriel or Eowyn in your dress. Because didn't it go off the shoulders? And wasn't it rich satin? And didn't you also have a cape of some sort to drape over you?
Yeah, you totally look like the warrior princess who rides hard with those in battle, playing just as an essential role and offering strength and purity to all.
Christianne--I know I've said this several times now, but I'm SO glad you called. It was a big part of what turned yesterday around.
You know, part of what I'm struggling with is that I don't entirely know what sort of business I want to start. Mostly, the type that allows me to work for myself and not for someone else. I'm realizing that, I think, that has to be my first goal here. Prolly something centered on writing. Corporate? Magazine freelancing? Something else? I don't know. But whatever I do, it's the selling myself and getting clients/business/acceptances that scares me. Yes, we can talk more in the call.
And a broadsword is exactly like the ones in Braveheart.
I'm wowed by your image of me as a warrior princess with all that fierceness...and yet, yeah, that's totally one of those parts of me that doesn't get much expression (broadswords and bible colleges not mixing so well).
I have wedding pics on facebook (you know, if you want to join and see them ;)
Love you...and thanks tons for your words here.
Yeah, I just got a friend request from our favorite Christin Turner this morning . . . that makes two! (Kirsten was the first, during the trip.) It's weird to get a friend request to a club you don't belong to. Makes me feel like I'm missing out! So I guess I'll prolly join. (Note the use of "prolly.) :)
Well, I know we've talked freelance writing before. It still might be a helpful step to read Robert Bly's "Secrets of a Freelance Writer" to at least get a feel for what that kind of life could look like. Might help you decide on that particular direction . . . and maybe even give you some thoughts on how to go about starting a client list.
Broadswords and Bible colleges. Sounds like the name of a blog. :)
warrior princesses unite!! you know, sarah ... i'm thinking along the same lines & this is included in some of those crazy "out-there" prayers i've been praying.
hey God, what do you think about moving? writing for a living?, etc.
and i just ordered bly's book because a girl needs to arm herself with some good resources. :o)
Perhaps moving to Florida . . . hmmmmm??? :)
I like the lines along which you're thinking, girl.
Christianne--You know, I read Bly's book after we talked...and it totally turned me off. But then I bought more books in the same genre and discovered that some of the things I didn't like about his way of doing things weren't necessarily the way it has to be, but were just the way he did it. So now I'm reconsidering. One of the things I like about it is that you can do it from anywhere, and totally choose your own hours (well, as long as you have enough work to eat...).
Kirsten, try "The Well-Fed Writer" and a book by Steve Slaunwhite(sp?) that I can't remember the title of, if Bly's is offputting. Those were the most helpful to me, at least.
Hey Sarah -- I'm sorry Bly's book turned you off (especially because I hate when my book recommendations turn out to be a doozy for someone else), but I'm glad you found some other books that helped you find the possibility of moving out in this direction. Kirsten, hopefully one or both or all of these books will be of some help to you, too!
Christianne--oh, the book was good...it was just the details that kind of freaked me out (cold calls? no meetings?). The other books offered some other options and also seemed a little...softer...then Bly. Maybe it was just because I read him first? I don't know. Also, he focused so much on advertising and the others focus a little more on some other things that I'd be more comfortable with.
Oh, cool. Yeah, the cold calls and advertising stuff kinda freaked me out, too. That's probably what has prevented me from pursuing this further myself, now that I think about it. I've been thinking of pulling it back out to re-read lately, just to start thinking about how to get started again if I want to move in that direction . . . but the resistance I feel is probably due to my fear of doing those exact things. It's good to hear there are other great resources out there that offer some different perspectives and approaches. :)
It sounds totally scary, doesn't it. Cold calling is one of the places where I keep flip-flopping..."I could totally do that!"..."No I couldn't!"..."Yes I could!"..."No way"..."Yes huh!"
Etc.
BENNY!
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