Walking in the Fog

We've been talking a lot about standing in the crucible, feeling the fires of purification burn over us as we withstand the heat and cling to God's grace to keep us whole and firm in the midst of it. But the past couple days, all I can think about is walking in a fog. Do you remember the post that Sarah wrote about standing in a fog, her hands outstretched and trusting that Jesus was there somehow, even though she couldn't feel Him? That's kinda how I feel these days. I'm at the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland, and any second now I know I could amble right over a thousand-foot cliff . . . and yet I trust that He is there, guiding me, even if He is silent and even if His directives seem slow in the coming. He knows what He is doing, even if I don't.

I think this goes back to what we mentioned a couple times during our time together about each of us having a reason to feel we don't belong to the group. When you asked me what mine was, I told you it was having lived so much more life in the past 10 years than most people in their 20s ever do. I'm the only one of us who got married in college. I'm the only one of us that's been divorced. I'm the only one of us who has been married twice. Not just in our circle, but in most circles: these facts make me feel like an oddball.

But on the plane ride home, I considered this question further. I realized there's a more present way I feel a sense of aloneness inside our supportive friendship. It has to do with the path I've chosen. It's not just my decision to walk away from the security of full-time work, though that plays a part in it. It's not just my decision to complete two grad programs during this time apart, though that's a part of it, too.

Really, it's what these incremental decisions have to say about the larger scope of my life. I'm being called to create something. When I left the working world, I had a sense that this thing I'd be creating would be Storychange. About halfway through my business program, my confidence in this began to falter. I started thinking this thing I'd been called to create would be a ministry of some sorts, instead of a business. Perhaps a private practice for spiritual direction. Perhaps a retreat center of sorts. And as I finished the demands of my business program, which included an actual business plan and investment pitch presentation for Storychange, some of that initial fire I had for this idea crept back in. I still wonder . . . is Storychange the path I'm meant for?

I don't know the answer to that question. What I do know is what it felt like to offer words at graduation that extended a sense of dignity and wholeheartedness to the lives of those who listened. It made me feel alive, an electrifying pulse flooding through me as I braved speaking some vulnerable moments of my own story and locked eyes with individuals in the hopes that my life would connect with their life and somehow make a measure of difference. I know what it felt like to receive the smiles, tears, and stories of those who were brave enough to tell me what it meant for them to hear those words. Those women who approached me on that day were Storychange women. I just knew, deep down in my heart, that Storychange, if it ever came to be, was for them.

I know, too, what it feels like to finger the keychain fob prototype that I carry in my purse, sliding it open to reveal the question cards inside, rubbing my thumb along the "Awake" logo I affixed to the front of it, all of this reminding me about how everything begins in the Storychange process. First, we awaken. I think about all the women out there who are on the cusp of an awakening. I wonder when and how they will begin. I wonder if they have the support they need. I wonder if they even know how to start.

The truth is, it's all pretty fuzzy to me. Am I meant to create Storychange? And if I am, what on earth does that mean? It means walking people through a process of growth, but can a process for that be created?

As I told you girls on the trip, I really do think the process of growth, large or small, always comes down to the three elements I've identified for the Storychange process: Awake, Attend, Embrace. But can you create a process that walks people through the awakening, attending, and embracing phases of their growth? Can it really be nailed down for people, and even small groups of people, to walk through, intentionally, together?

I'm still not sure. This is part of my fog. This is where I'm stretching out my hands in limited visibility conditions, asking Jesus to reveal Himself in this. I pray that indeed He does.